I’ve watched those room make-over shows they are just too painful for me to enjoy. I can’t get past the fact that I have yet to have the room make over of my dreams. I have three bathrooms in my home and all I want is just one to become the bathroom I have collected items with this in mind. Unfortunately, here at Castle Von Casetta, my dream of an Elvis themed bathroom has yet to be embraced with this hunk a hunk a burning desire that I have for it.

It would be the perfect room to hang my velvet Elvis. I would put it right above the toilet because it was there that “The King” sat on his throne and died. The toilet will be adorned with a toilet seat depicting the “’68 Comeback” image. I’d display my Love Me Tender Shampoo and Elvis Pomade alongside figurines of Presley. The walls will be adorned with a couple commemorative plates, some coins and postage stamps and even some 45’s. I’d proudly frame the picture of Elvis and Nixon together and I’d love to etch that final Dr. Nick prescription into my medicine cabinet mirror. Various pictures and movie stills and assorted Elvis memorabilia that somehow have all been acquired with this decorating theme in mind will accent the room where I read my subscription to the Weekly World News and catch up on not just Elvis but Bigfoot and UFO’s.

This Elvis bathroom isn’t some current fixation brought on by watching TLC programming. It has been my plan since before I met my wife.

It all started about 15 years ago. There was this Elvis impersonator playing in the backwoods of Pennysltucky. An old girlfriend and I had just completed a day of skiing up in the Pocono’s and we were restless. We noticed an ad at the beer distributor for this Elvis guy playing and thought it would be a hoot to go check it out. We get there and the place is packed with locals and they are a rough and tumble bunch and rowdy as all hell. You expected a bar fight to break out at any moment. Suddenly the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey starts and the lights dim…and the crowd is slamming down beer and shots and to be honest it was a bit frightening. Elvis enters the building and they go wild and then we watch as the guitarist (who is standing in front of us) pulls Elvis aside and says “Elvis, I’m scared”.

Aside from giving me a catch phrase that I try to use whenever possible, it answered the question: Why do we try to keep Elvis alive?

If you have velvet Elvis paintings and kitschy commemorative Elvis dinner plates or you claimed to see Elvis at Burger King or mothered his children, you are deep down thinking the same thing. This is a dark and cruel world and the thought of it existing without someone or something to take us away from the boredom is just too much. It scares us. Elvis is never alone and thus can never experience boredom.

That is why I will not give up. The day will come when my bathroom make-over will occur and on that day I will fry me up a bacon and peanut butter sandwich and sing “Do the Clam”…for Elvis will always be there in my sanctuary when I’m scared.