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I am declaring 2004 the Year of Utensil Abuse and Flatware Extinction. I must preface the following by stating that I am not an opponent to convenience. I appreciate the products and innovations that attempt to make our daily lives easier by sparing us from some mundane tasks. However, there is a fine line between convenience and sheer laziness--a standard that was all too prevalent this year on the store shelves. For many years, there has been growing disinclination toward proper usage of tableware in our modern eating habits. Why, at one point in our history, young people knew the subtle difference between the cream soup and bouillon spoons--today we’d be lucky if our children could identify a plastic spork among garden trowels. We cannot really blame bad table manners when we look at what is not on their plates. Foods that have traditionally required silverware are now being modified to slowly rid the world of utensils, it seems. And perhaps even more disturbing is that these new finger foods all must be accompanied by some sort of dipping sauce.
 There are waffle sticks “dunked” in syrup. Fritos complete with a plastic bowl of cheese dip. Fruits and vegetables pre-cut with individual servings of ranch dressing or caramel. Lunchables.Ô There is even pizza (already a finger food) that comes delivered with cheese and tomato sauces (already 2 main ingredients of pizza I thought). It’s fondue for one; without the heat, flavor or novelty. And if all of this dunking, dipping, and submerging were not enough, let us achieve complete culinary lethargy by taking foods that would ordinarily require utensils, and process them unrecognizably so we can carry them in our hands. The cereal/milk bar is a prime example. Does anyone really believe that there is actual milk holding those Cocoa Puffs in that bar shape? There are liquefied yogurt and pudding products eliminating the need for a spoon. And how could soup be a finger food? Campbell’s calls it “Soup to Go.Ô” Keep right on going, please. I wonder if the removal of the fork is because we suddenly need that free hand for the ridiculous barware that emerged in 2004. The footless stemware is an oddity. These new champagne flutes cannot be placed upright on a table, but perched precariously in a bucket with 7 others. Or the cocktail glasses in such illogical geometrical shapes that they require a special rod-iron “tree” that the drinker must place it into. The term “bottomless glass,” was not referring to the actual structure, oh geniuses at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
 But of course, since we are abolishing useful utensils, we might as well add some useless accoutrements to our pantry. Let’s begin with the wine charm. Sure, these are cute and whimsical, but if you cannot find your glass by remembering simply where you set it down, but can remember that you had the pewter L’Arc De Triumphe as opposed to the silver one; well then perhaps you need a shot of Halidol for that OCD rather than a refill of Shiraz. The charger is another phenomenon that I’m in favor of leaving back in 2004. While I am a big fan of the formally set table, the plate charger seems to create more aggravation than it’s worth. Most of them have care labels which read, “Not Intended for Food Use.” Um, OK. A plate not suitable for food. Charge me at least $12 per charger, and it’s a sale! And so 2004, like any good hostess, I would gladly be at the door with your coat and wrapped leftovers, waving you a fond farewell. You’ll just have to take my word for that however, as one hand is holding an appletini in its glass cone, and the other is filled with a scrambled egg, sausage, portabella mushroom frittata wrap and a cup of chipolte-cumin dunk balanced on my knee. Article by Tracey1
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