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I'm fairly certain everybody had a Speak & Spell in their youth. They were quite ubiquitous throughout the 1980s, into the 1990s, being in constant production for over a decade. One could sit for an afternoon spelling "COLOR" and "SCHEDULE" until you got bored, then keep going. The LED display and surprisingly advanced voice synthesis melted hours away. The Speak and Spell spawned a few siblings -- the rarer "Speak and Read" and the poorly phrased "Speak and Math." Speak, Spell, and Read are all verbs -- but "Math"? Not according to Mr. Webster, anyway. In my regular parusing of thrift shops for the rare valuable computer doo-dad, I found a Speak & Math, with manual. I can sell that on eBay, right? Avant-garde musicians bend the chipsets to make interesting sounds, so there's a customer base out there. However, the market for people actually desiring to learn math from this gizmo is small. How good, I decided to learn, IS the Speak and Math?  The Speak & Math starts up in addition by default. What's 2 + 0 ? That's an easy one! Two! Hooray -- mathing ain't so hard, I've got the swing of it.  "Eight plus five? Math YOU, Speak and math! It's 13!"  Pop_Tart, from behind the camera, asked "does it do division?" Why, yes, it maths division too, I say, and select the new level.
 The first question: "0 / 6". I gasp -- you can't divide by zero! "DAMN YOU, SPEAK AND MATH, starting with imaginary numbers!" Since there was no button for 'infinity,' I began to panic before it dawned on me that it was asking how many times 6 goes in 0, not 0 in 6. I answer zero, am given an affirmative, and I move on.?" From here, however, things began to quickly turn in Speak & Math's favor...the Batman-villian-lair angle of the photos shows the horror...
 The rest of the division went well, and I selected "Word Problems" as my next option. "It does word problems? Glamkitty asks, surprised. "What are five groups of four?" Speak and Maths asks. I math back, "TWENTY!" "What is eight less than thirteen?"
 "Six!" I answer. Speak and Match audibly chuckes. "WRONG!" It gives me another chance. I furrow my brow, and deduce it must actually be five. Yes, the toy answers, and allows me to proceed.
 "How many ones in fifteen?" it coyly asks. I listen closer and press "repeat". Ones in fifteen? I type "15" and hit enter. Sorry, try again, it says. I type "0" thinking I have it backwards, like the division thing. Sorry, wrong again. "The correct answer is five," it replies. Screw you, Speak and Math! I mathed my best, but these trick questions are horrible!
 "If 1 times 5 is 5, what is 5 times 1?" it asks. Hesitantly, I enter '5', even though I'm fairly sure I'm incorrect. No, that one is right.
 "How many tens in thirty-two?" it asks. Thirty two? Three-point-two, I math back. Nope, try again. Three, I type? Yes, there are three tens in 32. No mention of remainder, but I'm getting the hang of it.  Math problems proved too complex for me...."Greater Than - Less Than" was chosen as my next arena. "Thirty one is greater than or less than thirty four?" it asked. "Less than!" "Eighty four is greater than or less than Eighty two?" "Greater than!" "Eleven minus four is greater than or less than five plus three?" "GO MATH YOURSELF, SPEAK AND MATH!"
 "Greater than?" I ask. "Correct!" it said, obviously recognizing I was just gessing. "Twenty one minus eight is less than or greater than eighteen minus four?" Come on, I actually have to THINK?!!?? Twenty one...eight...that's thirteen. Eighteen minus four, fourteen. Less than! Speak and Match thinks it's so smart. Through it's approval or condemnation of my stupid math skills, it thinks it has control over our conversations. However, it does not have any arms, and thus cannot trigger it's own power switch. Finally exhausted by my parrying with Speak and Math, I showed it who was boss - and turned it off. It waits for me now, sitting so quietly over there, knowing that someday I will return to it, ready to answer its Sphynxian word problems. I will be ready then, prepared to math my best.
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