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You have never heard the album St. Giles Cripplegate, let alone have any clue who Jack Nitzsche is. You don't own the definitive bootleg version of Smile and The Stooges to you are Moe, Larry, and Curly. This normally wouldn't faze you, but suddenly you are hanging with a new set of friends who seem to have spent years of obsessive study talking about bands like Neu, Faust and Can. These kind of folk pour over Pet Sounds like it was the deep sea scrolls, treat Radio City and #1 Record like the Koran and are known to worship the sweat of Esquirita. These types are commonly referred to as “rock snobs” and you want to appear a bit more in the know. Do you need to listen to the entire recorded output of Television Personalities to hang with this bunch? Are there some books you need to read? Must you subscribe to Mojo magazine? If you really want to do that, go right ahead, but why not just fake it. You read that correctly. I said fake it. Faking it is the way to go. Let's not kid each other here, in your world, Billy Lee Riley might as well be Billy Ray Cyrus. I'm your pal and I know this bunch quite well so let me offer you four surefire ways to obtain instant credibility with this gang. I have even tossed in some sample sentences for you to try out in conversation. SLAY THE SACRED COW There are some artist that are held in high esteem like The Velvet Underground, Big Star, Brian Wilson, Syd Barrett, Love, and the list goes on and on. Tearing them down can be met with a near violent reaction, but a willingness to take on the “sacred cow” will leave the impression you have not only digested the masterpieces but have come to see the flaws. There is a good chance someone will agree with you and take over the argument; after all they can be a cantankerous bunch. “Captain Beefheart's Trout Mask Replica is a great record, but c'mon, do we really listen to it for pleasure? Safe as Milk has all the same things and is clearly easier to digest.” “Sigor Ros is nothing but Enya for the indie set." (I don't necessarily agree with these statements. I am just using them as examples so spare me the hate mail) CHAMPION THE UNKNOWN Find a band that few know and talk about them like it is they are greatest thing in the history of music. “The Vertebrats presaged The Replacements school of punk-inflected confessionalism. Their song “Left in the Dark” has been covered by The Replacements, Screaming Tribesman, Uncle Tupelo and even Courtney Love has performed this live.” (Note: Follow up with a cry of anguish over Courtney Love covering the gem. You will earn valuable brownie points.) This however requires you to actually find some obscure nonentity and once you get started down that path you end up sucked into the void and soon you are overturning the couch cushions trying to scrape up change to buy every damn recording featuring Billy Childish. It is best that you stick with the easier plan of just making something up. “The Sonic Nargula created a psych masterpiece called Candy Went Dancing At The Touch Me Zoo that sounds like My Bloody Valentine meets the The 13th Floor Elevators with Joe Meek producing.” I can lay you odds, one in the gang will claim he has heard it too (even though no such band or recording exist). God forbid, you know something they don't and secretly you get the last laugh. EMBRACE TRASH Music once thought to be disposable (or less than) is often embraced with new found interest. One needs only to look at the re-evaluation of lounge music, 70's AM pop, bubblegum, disco, and even prog rock to know this is true. Acts like The Carpenters, Abba, Kiss, and Tom Jones were once thought to have no long lasting value, but have since been embraced as something cool to “ironically” enjoy (even though some us enjoy the sounds without a trace of irony…we are just so much cooler). Combine the embrace with a nod to something well known and you can't do wrong. “The Robert Goulets of the world should have ransacked the catalogues from the likes of Boston, Foreigner, and Journey. Those over done arrangements would sound so cool in their hands.” “The Osmond's' Crazy Horses is the best pop metal album around hands down. It sounds like Led Zeppelin meets Aerosmith. The title cut sounds a lot like Steve Tyler and company's “Back in the Saddle” and even predates it.” THE WARLOCK FACTOR The Warlocks are a current psychedelic band that sound like Spaceman 3 with a heavy bad acid vibe. It was also the name of early incarnations of The Velvet Underground and The Grateful Dead. Mention the name and when discussion ensues just say, “Oh, I was talking about the other Warlocks”. The same goes for Nirvana. Everyone knows about the group that featured Kurt Cobain but this was also the name of a much revered late sixties British psychedelic pop outfit. This is good to name drop when a few other “non snobs” are present. “My favorite Nirvana album is The Story Of Simon Simopath...Oh, you were talking about the Cobain group.” See what I mean? Instant “rock snob” cred is all yours.
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