 |  |
|
If you ever find yourself in Pop Culture Land—that alternate universe where books, movies, and TV shows take place and you can always find a parking place in front of your destination—remember this: Always listen to the nerd. If the nerd says that unthinkable disaster is imminent . . . get ready to duck. If the nerd proposes some outlandish idea . . . it’ll turn out to be right. If you oppose the nerd, watch out . . . chances are you’ll wind up embarrassed (or eaten). Think about it. How many times did a gizmo that the Professor built on Gilligan’s Island fail because Gilligan screwed up? Approximately one hundred and seventeen. How many times did one of those gizmos fail because the Professor screwed up? Exactly zero. They’d have all gotten off the island in about a day and a half if they’d just hogtied Gilligan and let the Professor do his stuff. The nerdy airplane designer in Flight of the Phoenix (either version)? Same deal. You want to get out of the desert? Get over yourself, already, and let Mister Wire-Rimmed-Glasses tell you how to build a new plane out of the wreckage of your old one. When was the last time that some fictional nerd warned that disaster was imminent . . . and they turned out to be wrong? Sometime in the Coolidge administration, I think. Matt Hooper, the obnoxious oceanographer in Jaws, says that a monster shark (not a boat propeller) is turning swimmers into sushi. Sure enough, he’s right. Ian Malcolm, the obnoxious mathematician in Jurassic Park, says that cloning dinosaurs is a Really Bad Idea and that the park is bound to break down. Five minutes into any given episode of the TV doctor series House, you know one thing for sure: The obnoxious title character is going to be right. Again. For the umpteenth time. (You’d think all the other characters would notice this, and just do whatever he says.) You don’t even have to be obnoxious to be right, as long as you’re a nerd. Take the Jack Lemmon character in The China Syndrome. He’s earnest, detail-obsessed, and prone to wearing neckties with short-sleeved shirts—a classic nerd—but he knows there’s something wrong with the power plant he runs. Or take James Stewart’s character in No Highway in the Sky. He’s perpetually distracted and socially clueless, but he can tell you when the tail is going to fall off an airliner. You can bet against the nerd if you really want to, but be warned: You won’t like the result. If you’re lucky you’ll just wind up looking foolish and having your plans thwarted, like the bad guys in movies like The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes or Real Genius. If you’re not so lucky, you’ll wind up in jail courtesy of the folks from CSI (or CSI: Miami or CSI: New York or, if you wait long enough, maybe CSI: Sioux Falls). If you’re really having a bad day, you may not even survive the experience. Remember the late John Hammond, proprietor of Jurassic Park: He listened to the lawyer instead of the scientists and wound up getting eaten by his own dinosaurs. (I know, I know . . . in the movie he gets away, But what do you expect in a Spielberg picture?) So the nerds in Pop Culture Land are never wrong? (I hear you asking) Well, there is an exception: If they put on a suit and tie and move into management or politics, they suddenly start being wrong about everything. But that’s another story.
|
|
