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I award the Shopsmith people with the trophy for pushing a product to the infinite limit. Ten, maybe eleven tears ago I submitted a mail in postcard asking for information on their home lathe. I have done this dozens of times with other products. Everyone else realizes that these are just inquiries. Not a commitment to buy. Not the Shopsmith folks, the wolverines of salesmanship. I have never replied to any of their entreaties, still, at this late date they are still sending me material. I enjoy woodworking and I have a credible shop. I don't have a lathe so I was curious enough to reply to the Shopsmith people who sent an impressive booklet extolling their model Mark V. I do admit that I was interested at first. But the $5,000 pricetag took it out of the hobby category in into a professional realm. Which exactly was the pitch. I was told that I could make gobs of money turning wood into gold. There was no lack of testimonials from happy customers. There was Emmit Waits of Johnstontown, Missouri. A smudged black and white picture showed Emmit standing proudly beside his Mark V. He reminded me of my shop teacher in high school. Shop apron, pencil in his upper pocket, safety glasses and smiling modestly. Emmit's life was changed for the better since he bought his Mark V. My man Emmit was turning out candle sticks, Queen Anne legs for tables and a host of other useless pieces of shit which he sold at the local flea market. I figure Emmit would have to sell his low cost wares for ten years before he turned a profit. Hey, I said he was a shop teacher not a math teacher. Next to testify was Dean Burrell of Carrier Falls, Indiana. Dean was younger, more shop savvy. He was making wooden bowls. Now hold on to your hats, he was making them out of exotic woods, like teak. Way to go Deano. After 16 hours of labor he could command prices upwards of $25 for these works of art. Dean has not been out of his basement since 1996. And more and more glowing reports of high profits made form men just like me. It's almost like they are giving the Mark V away. And there was one chap, Les Graham from Ashton, Kansas. This guy was a ringer. Les had made a combination nuclear submarine and can opener on his Mark V. Although I was impressed I always wondered why Les would build a sea going vessel in a state without a coastline. The veracity of the Shopsmith claims were beginning to creep up on me like a prostitute on Fat Tuesday. Why where all these folks from the midwest? Simple, people in the midwest are honest and hardworking. Why was the Mark V advertised as a money maker? Obviously to justify paying 5 grand for a power tool. Why do these people still send me brochures after 10 years? Because they are stuck with a piece of shit and will follow any lead to the ends of the earth. As I thought about it more I decided to investigate about the Mark V. It is a disaster. It has a single phase motor, so you can plug it into your home wiring. Which is something they want you to consider to be an asset. And it would be if I was making toys. Without a triple phase motor the lathe cannot vary speeds beyond a limited range. Can you say burnout? It has a 1 hp motor, my lawn mower has 3.5 hp. And the worse thing is that no accessories are included with the Mark V. No collets, no jigs, no dust collector and no shaping tools. I can buy any turned wood I want at a mill, I don't have a need for a lathe. Especially the Mark V. Can you imagine what the Mark I must have been like? Probably powered by a foot petal. Actually they couldn't even give me one. I don't have the room and the only thing I want to turn is my burger on the grille. So I say to the Shopsmith people, stop sending me your brochures. And why don't you and Emmit and Dean and Les take a shit in your skinny little hat and pull it over your head.
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